No choice like this…

Twelve years. So much can happen in a little over a decade. To some it seems so long, to others it’s gone by in a blink.

It’s long enough for the wound to heal over yet the scar is still remains deep enough to cut me to my core.

I remember people gathered around us, 20 maybe 25. Our people. Beautiful, kind, loving people. Hoping for a miracle.

I remember the sickly smell of that shit they pumped into you through a feeding tube. So sweet that it hurts the back of your throat.

I remember wishing and wanting to hold our little boy a thousand miles away, in another state.

I remember faces but not the names of those who came and went and the ward that became your prison for three days.

I remember the vision, the visit of you on your boat floating down the river as if to say it’s okay to let me go.

I remember the cold room where they told me I had to make a decision.

I remember wishing I didn’t.

I remember feeling the weight of every person gathered, of every one of our family, of our little boy, of all our hearts weighing down on my soul as I gathered the strength to do the only thing I didn’t want to do.

I remember losing control.

I remember the last goodbye.

Even though his memories are faint, I’m so glad they’re not filled with the ache this day brings to those of us who continue to relive it without choice.

Twelve years…but it could be yesterday for the pain it still brings. Soar high in them there heavens like I know you will be Didley, this day never gets any easier no matter how long ago it was. Bless you and may I never know such grief again. Love always Lady MamaG xox

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