Six years. That’s how long I waited for you. But not just me, Popsy girl, every single one of us. Your daddy, your brother. All your nanas and poppas. All your aunties and uncles. All your cuzzies. And all of mama and daddy’s most beautiful friends. We waited so long. We wished so hard. So many times we thought today would never come. But we waited and waited some more. We never gave up. We never let our heads overtake our hearts even though so many times we almost lost.
And it took so so very much to find you…
Today is so many things greater than the celebration of your birth my beautiful girl, though that in itself is one of the greatest things to ever happen in our world. But among the many things April 12 means – it’s coincidentally your mama and daddy’s wedding anniversary – and the day Jesus rose from something a rather (I think, though my religious studies are a little rusty).
But more than that, today is the day I breathed again. For so long I couldn’t. I felt this tightening in my chest. The weight of disappointment, of grief, of fear and self-loathing making it hard to do such a simple thing. While it now seems so far away, so long ago and so well behind me, today the biggest thing inside your mama’s heart is the ‘how’ you got here.
Two things bought you into this world, baby girl. Strength and Courage.
Well them, together with kindness (the greatest kindness you could ever know), tenacity, generosity, smart brains (oh such clever minds) a fair ol’ chunk of dosh, some ancient Chinese medicine and mostly love, love like you’d never think possible. And shit yes there was tears, tears that were often silent because I was too scared that everyone else might not think I was strong if I let them see, so I mostly kept to myself. Tears I worried that if I let too many out maybe some of that courage would go with them.
I wanted to meet you so much that no matter how many needles…there 1537 of them stabbed into my body at some stage or another. That no matter how many times I had to go to the hospital and get something or other ‘cleared out’ inside my body…around nine or ten. That so many many attempts at growing one of you in my belly had failed before…about thirteen. That even though they kept telling me I was too old (like way too old), my body too broken…I kept going because of you. I had to meet you, I had to think one day if I kept on trying your little heart would find its way to us.
I never gave up.
Strength and courage.
Then one day it did.
We met you…a baby girl whose iron will is as strong as her heart. Who will never let a single sod step in her way. Not a one will be able to fuck with you and for that I’m proud, and grateful. A little ladybug with the cheeks of a cherub angel who laughs and sings and sees amazement in every living thing. Who charms the heart of every soul you meet, with a giggle and a rigorous flapping arm wave taking a teeny bit of their heart in your pocket so they’ll always know just how precious of a poppet you are. And the reward for all those years of fight is all won over the second I hear your teeny voice say ‘loveu mummy’, when you take my face inside your hands and look deep through my eyes, into my soul, the perfect reminder you were worth every battle wound and every shed tear.
I never minded one single bit that I let you fall sleep in my arms for the first three months of your life (even though the bitch ass health nurses told me not to) because that was the fuel that fed my soul. And it so needed to be nourished back to health. I don’t mind that you need me, that I must hold you and snuggle you ten thousand times a day, that you hang off me like a baby koala – not just because I know there’ll come a day some years from now when you may not want me to – but because I’m reminded how lucky we are to we have you, how hard I fought to find your shining star. Your cuddles are soul food.
All those many many tears cried in silence, of all the nights spent awake wanting to swap my body with one that worked, all the pain that led almost to the breaking of your daddy’s heart, the tears your big bruv shed when he discovered for the first time that we’d made you…each and every one of those tears now rest inside your heart so you will always know not just how much it took to bring you into this world but how so many raised their arms around us to help you find your way here.
I know you too will have courage in your soul and strength in your mind with each year you grow…and I just can’t wait for every day of them.
Happy seven hundred and thirty days in our lives Popsy girl. We love your teeny self with every once of our souls, Lady Mama G, your dadda and your Nini and Marlmarl xxox