Today you should’ve turned 44. Except you won’t. In just a few months you would have seen our boy turn 15. Except you can’t. You would’ve lived to see another twelve years of an extraordinary life. Except you didn’t. It all stopped for you. No more birthdays. Never seeing him grow. A life mercilessly cut short.
Still there’s no reason, no answers no matter how hard we search. Our boy, who’s now just one year off how old we were when we met has never known what an incredible soul you were and it’s still my greatest grief. Haunts my heart that he hardly even got the chance to know the very one who created him.
Today might have ordinarily been like any other birthday. Except it isn’t and never will be again for the memories it holds. Forever frozen in time, you are now just a memory confined to the pictures and stories we keep close to our hearts. Watching from above, the family you left behind. Not by choice but by the cruelest hand of fate.
Waking up today we remember a bloke who lived his life as he wanted, on the edge, risking, laughing and never stopping to think what if. I can only hope your boy has inherited just a little bit of your incredulous outlook on life so he can be as strong and courageous and carefree as you once were.
God knows we can’t change the past. There are no what if’s or if only’s. There is just now. I’ve learnt it’s not always our own hands at the wheel. Sometimes it veers out of control leaving us no choice but to hold on like fuck, to grasp with hope onto the cliff of fear and climb back up over the edge.
And because of that I’ve never learnt a greater lesson in life than to cherish what I have. And what I’ve had. To know how blessed I truly am.
To never again get caught up in what might be, what could be or even what should be. Stupid trivial shit that we sometimes allow to clog up our minds means nothing, really. We still get to wake up every day spend it with the people we love. Shit I wish that lesson didn’t come in such a way it broke me into a zillion tiny pieces but ever since the day we lost you from our lives I vowed to never again take one single thing for granted. Not one.
Simply to breathe is a gift and forevermore I’ll be grateful because I still get to see our son grow, to get my second chance to love again and now, to watch my new baby bring sunshine into my soul every single day.
Even though we had to first be broken to heal and then to recover. Even though this lesson tore my heart from my soul. Even though there’s no more sound of your laughter except in our hearts. Even though an almost adult now himself, your boy never got to know your kind heart. Even though the sound of your voice is becoming more faint as the years slip by…happy would-have-been-44th birthday Didley and thank you for what you left behind. Lady mamaG xox