Twenty twelve was a bloody ripper year. Kicked off with a bang, not only did I join hearts with the better half of me, The Vet, with a couple of gold bands, our boy and the most important people in our world, but it was also a time before life began being lived by the day, measured by the month, suspended in an everlasting cycle that has seemed to stretch on for five fucking blinding years.
But hell, what’s life without a few lessons right?
I’m helluva grateful for what it’s shown me. That the scars embedded deep in my soul have taught me to be forever grateful for love. For family. For second chances.
To be grateful I’ve got someone to share in the oceans of tears shed these past five years. And fuck me, there’s been a lot of ’em. For the people around me and for the world’s most beautiful mini human who’s not only on this ride with us but is totally counting his eggs before they’ve hatched (declaring it will learn all his b ball skills by age four, regardless if it’s a boy or girl).
Grateful I was once able to build a child of my own, and that pride will never leave me. Maybe even be grateful of the lessons I’ve learned when your body stops working like it should.
A little while ago I read two books that stuck with me so much I’ve gone back and read them again. Twice even. Both involved infertility and IVF. When I first read them I thought ‘oh that’d never be me. I won’t have to do IVF. Fuck that shit and the horse it rode in on.’
Turns out I’d have to be force fed my words with a gigantic mother of a spoon and indeed would do so much IVF the nurse at my specialist’s office needs a trolley to wheel in my medical file it is that fucking big. True story. Later I’d say ‘oh no, not donor eggs no I’ll keep trying till I have none left.’ Yep turns out that too was a declaration full of horseshit.
Failure, heartache, disappointment and fear will change your view on life and the things you think you’re so certain about until you really and truly are faced with choosing something different. Never thought I’d be doing IVF. And then I did. A whole lot. Never thought I’d need or use donor eggs. And now I am.
So maybe I’m grateful to have been through this, however painful it might’ve been because I’ve learned what I have and grown how I have. Hope, resilience and persistence becoming my greatest allies in this fight and the realisation not everything you think you’ll do needs to stay the same forever. That all you have and hope for don’t have to define you but they are allowed to be your focus.
I’m grateful there’s people who care enough to ask ‘how are you going, what’s the next step?’ Rather than wishing I didn’t have to explain it again and again. Just be glad they do. Being grateful there’s people like Dr Babies to encourage you to climb outside your comfort zone and do whatever it takes for your hopes to be realised. Instead of saying you can keep trying when you both know it’s in vain.
Grateful there’s people like My Angel who watch, listen, read and feel your heartache enough to want to willingly gift a piece of themselves and help build a baby you can no longer grow on your own.
Grateful there’s someone generous enough to go through just one of those journeys you’ve ridden so many times yourself before without so much as even the tiniest bit of hesitation. Just jumped straight in head first the minute her bloods came back with perfect scores. To endure countless counselling, invasive blood tests, more needles than you’d ever like to see enter your body and a surgery for you and your darling Vet. All this with not one bat of an eyelid. Just hope and excitement to match our own for the greatest outcome.
Next week My Angel will start her own journey unlike anything she’s ever done before. Hormones will fill her body and needles will likely make her feel like a bucket of shit. There will be nerves from us both, neither wanting to disappoint the other but whatever the outcome…however this journey unfolds it will cement us in a bond so great, filled with such love and kindness and gratitude we can be nothing but grateful…with hope, Lady MamaG xoxo