I have become a Hope Slut…

Lady Hope herself...

Lady Hope herself…

Infertility is really starting to get on my tits. The way she controls my life like some possesed she-devil, belting me with her whip whenever I get anything like close to thinking I’ve beaten her there she goes again and reminds me with a good sharp stab between my toes that indeed, she is control and no, no you are not going to beat her. It would seem I have become what they call a Hope Slut.

It has such a lovely ring to it doesn’t it, but really there is no better way of describing how you feel with each passing month you find out yet again, you are a failure….and still infertile. It’s like a giant light above your head screaming ‘loser uterus inside’. I blame it on chlomid. I also blame it on my lucky shrine I’ve built beside my bed. Oh and I blame it on being somewhat of an optimist too. And you know what, I damn well blame it on the fact that so clearly my heart is ready to have a baby but apparently my body is not. Get your shit together and kiss and make up you two…time is getting away on us here.

The fact I am truly a Hope Slut is also evident in the fact that despite it having been well over two-and-a-half years since the nasty witch of infertility cast her shitty spell over us, I still find myself punching in baby names under the ‘notes’ section of my phone – and no there is no South West or Pear on the list. Nor for that matter is Blue, Green or Pilot Inspektor (yes, an actual celebrity baby name). I’ve planned a ‘baby nursery’ for our new house and I still sneakily imagine what our little person will look like. Damn it I wish I wasn’t constantly drawn into the web like some crazy junkie but I dangle each and every month under the pendulum of hope and it doesn’t look like – unless we give up all together – that I’ll ever get free of it.

As if time itself is not the ever present constant ticking inside my fertility-challenged self, in a little over two weeks, I will be on the latter part of thirty-something. The veeeeeery latter. And as we all know…time, she be not kind to those of us over 35. While on the one hand it is my birth-month and this does mean it is my time to be abso-fricking-lutely spoilt shitless – lavished with all manner of my favourite things – it does also mean something else. It will mark the last year of my thirties. Shhh, don’t tell anyone I said that because I’d like to think I’m still 32 (that’s either my mental, my fashion, or my horoscope age) but dammit if the veeery latter part of your thirties doesn’t spell the stupid assing end of your ability to make good eggs.

Two cycles of chlomid and not so much as a flutter of embryo implantation. Even if I did put on my sexiest heels, pasties and a pair of French knickers…

I read somewhere this week about a woman who had tried for 15 years to get pregnant. Bloody marathon I know. She’d been through some ridiculous amount of fertility specialists and tried almost every single thing you could think of, and then some. Finally, and yes it was with IVF, she got the baby she had been hoping for. Probably the biggest part of her story that resonated with me was she said ‘I refused to give up’. I mean really, if she can keep going back for 15 years, what’s a couple of years between friends? Hardly seems to be scratching the surface does it? So, it seems back I go to being a Hope Slut. Wish me luck (both with the almost farewell of my thirties and the next round of chlomid), Love n’hugs, Lady MamaG xox

5 thoughts on “I have become a Hope Slut…

  1. lexana says:

    Keep hoping! It does happen… We were seeing the same fertility specialist as you… He told us to come back when we had the money for IVF after doing the clomid, progesterone and prednisolone regime with no success after 6 months… We decided to let it go and focus on our finances and our little girl… 5 months later we were pregnant… I’m now 25 weeks–and without the specialists assistance… Please keep hoping… Am an avid follower of yours…

  2. Lilly says:

    Hello thirty something mama! I read your blog regularly, always hoping & waiting for your pregnancy news. I really hope it happens for you. You sound like a great mum to your little boy – what a wonderful family you have waiting to welcome a new addition. It took my husband and I some time to conceive our second baby. What made a difference for me was a book called ‘stories of the unborn soul’ by Elisabeth hallett. It gave me a different perspective on the whole process. It is a magical, reassuring & grounding book. You are probably sick of advice but honestly – have a look at it. All the very best. Xx

  3. Leigh says:

    When I found out, to my complete shock, we would never conceive naturally, a friend told me about your blog and i searched it out and started to read your story, and posts. I felt like your blog was one of the few that resonated with me, at a time where I felt shocked, sad and unsure, while also hopeful -and the whole spectrum of emotions that comes with IVF. we got lucky and fell pregnant earlier this year. I have found myself checking back here from time to time in the hope that you have had the same good fortune. I just wanted to write a response to let you know there are probably lots of people like me that don’t know you but are hope sluts too, hoping this is your year. And Lots of
    Women who you have helped along their own journey, as they lurk around the internet , looking for someone who understands. Good luck and keep on hoping. X

    • Lady Mama G says:

      Firstly, yay for the impending lil’ person. And thanks for your lovely words…I’m just glad the entire purpose for me writing this blog is being felt in the world of batshit crazy infertility. xox

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