Earlier this week was a day I’d really rather forget. It was a bad day filled with grey and covered in so many uncontrollable emotions. That’s probably the worst part of it. As a Scorpian, as a Woman and as a bloody Stroppy Bird, I like to always be in control. Stand up to my emotions, look them dead in the eye and tell them to piss the hell off, there’s no place for them here. It was one of those type of days that rhymes with what people do on horses when they’re trying to kill a fox (you can work it out among yourselves and yes, I do have the tongue of a sailor).
I don’t quite know what triggered it. Maybe someone cut me off in the traffic. Maybe it was because there wasn’t any fruit toast left in the fridge. Maybe it was because I couldn’t find my favourite running pants (okay, who are we kidding, I don’t actually run in them but they are bright…and supa comfy). No, I know what it was, fertility. She has this really uncanny ability to get in the way of being able to pursue a normal life. I watch my temperature like Courtney Cox waiting for a Friends reunion and it’s a constant reminder that I’m on the train of Unfortunate Mess.
The Naturopath has suggested I start meditating. Who are we kidding? I can’t even sit still long enough to finish my cup of herbal tea, relaxation is the Andrea to my Gina…we just shouldn’t be in the same room together. That is, if you don’t count a nice relaxing massage but the last time I tried one of those the ONLY thing I could think about for the entire forty-three minute ‘journey’ was if it was harming my as-yet-unborn-and-completely-ficticious-embryo by sucking in the ‘harmonious essential oils’.
As it stands I’ve decided to go Gwynnie and Consciously Uncouple with Fertility because she just won’t play nice. She lives inside my head and takes up way too much space, wears all my favourite outfits and doesn’t return them, breaks everything she can get her hands on – mostly my heart and my head. She changes my mood and makes me cry uncontrollably for three hours – so much so that the poor unfortunate girl who happened to call me on said morning possibly thought she might have needed to alert the people in the white coats. Yep, like big thundering clouds every damn thing went grey. So I cried and cried and heaved and heaved until I thought my eyes were going to fall out of their sockets they became so red. I was like a five-year-old trying to explain why their big sister is soooo mean because she pulled my arm out of socket. Emotion came in and took over, she rode off into the sunset with my sanity and left me a helpless mess.
But once all the clouds were gone I came out and felt okay. At least I hope I did. I haven’t been broken in a long time. A LONG time. But like anything you learn to ride the bumps.
Infertility is a curse but it’s not an affliction. Sometimes it feels so much like it’s not fair but not fair is the kids of the beautiful Gold Coast mum who will spend their first mother’s day without a brave woman who lost her battle with cancer last week. Not fair is the parents of the 200 young Nigerian girls who wait anxiously to hear if they’ll get their daughters back. Not fair is the children of the families who went missing on Malaysian Airlines 370, who today don’t have a mum to call and wish a happy mother’s day.
It is hard, hell yes it’s shitful but there is always a rainbow after all the grey. For me it’s the little boy who has spent 10 wonderful beautiful incredible mother’s days with me and one smile from his twinkling eyes is all I need to remember in the end, it will all be okay. To mums everywhere you are and share a blessing. And to the 10 y o, every minute you’re in my life I am grateful for. Love n’hugs, Lady MamaG xox